Ring ring
Good morning timber yard, how can I help you?
Hang on a minute, holes and cracks in the wood? Are you sure Sir?
So the holes, have they got a darker patch surrounding them?
Sir , it’s a knot, all wood has knots it’s where the tree had a branch and has been cut off and I’m sure if someone cut off your arm they would be a big knot near your shoulder.
These cracks then Sir?
They are in a straight line you say where the boards meet.
Sir, that is the tongue and groove in the boards’ edge that we machined for you, and they are perfect.
When you fitted the boards together, did you glue and clamp them?
Oh you didn’t. Well Sir, it’s not my fault that you don’t know what you are doing is it; well that is the reason for the long straight cracks in the wood Sir.
There is some discolouration between the boards you say Sir? It’s the sap in the wood that smeared when it was cut. Walnut is a natural product Sir, and I can show you colour difference if you care to come in Sir.
But Sir it is wood. If you were cut in half by a great big band saw, I’m sure that your cut surfaces would be slightly different colours too.
Yes but Sir, if you had stood with your feet embedded in the earth and birds nesting in your hair and pecking out the grubs in your ears. Had the sun, wind, rain and snow beat down on your bare skin for 150 years, I don’t think that you would look as good as that piece of walnut that you say is flawed.
Yes, it’s a natural product Sir. If you want a touched up, well lit photo finish to your walnut, why don’t you use a photo of what you want to see, laminates are a lot cheaper Sir and a lot more predictable. However, you don’t get the warmth, the feel, the delicate nuance of the natural product. You don’t get the subtleness when you walk into a room the uses real wood.
Sir, if you wanted it to look like that, I suggest that you use a photo.
Goodbye Sir.
(This piece was inspired by an actual phone conversation overheard at the timber merchants.)
A One Sided Conversation
Ring ring
Good morning timber yard, how can I help you?
Hang on a minute, holes and cracks in the wood? Are you sure Sir?
So the holes, have they got a darker patch surrounding them?
Sir , it’s a knot, all wood has knots it’s where the tree had a branch and has been cut off and I’m sure if someone cut off your arm they would be a big knot near your shoulder.
These cracks then Sir?
They are in a straight line you say where the boards meet.
Sir, that is the tongue and groove in the boards’ edge that we machined for you, and they are perfect.
When you fitted the boards together, did you glue and clamp them?
Oh you didn’t. Well Sir, it’s not my fault that you don’t know what you are doing is it; well that is the reason for the long straight cracks in the wood Sir.
There is some discolouration between the boards you say Sir? It’s the sap in the wood that smeared when it was cut. Walnut is a natural product Sir, and I can show you colour difference if you care to come in Sir.
But Sir it is wood. If you were cut in half by a great big band saw, I’m sure that your cut surfaces would be slightly different colours too.
Yes but Sir, if you had stood with your feet embedded in the earth and birds nesting in your hair and pecking out the grubs in your ears. Had the sun, wind, rain and snow beat down on your bare skin for 150 years, I don’t think that you would look as good as that piece of walnut that you say is flawed.
Yes, it’s a natural product Sir. If you want a touched up, well lit photo finish to your walnut, why don’t you use a photo of what you want to see, laminates are a lot cheaper Sir and a lot more predictable. However, you don’t get the warmth, the feel, the delicate nuance of the natural product. You don’t get the subtleness when you walk into a room the uses real wood.
Sir, if you wanted it to look like that, I suggest that you use a photo.
Goodbye Sir.
(This piece was inspired by an actual phone conversation overheard at the timber merchants.)